Should one-night stands be forgiven?

One-night stands are not meant to be either forgotten or forgiven in a relationship. In such a scenario, there is no scope for argument or any kind of discussion. The erring partner should be left alone. If he indulges in something of the sort, then there is something missing in the relationship and hence, there’s no point carrying on with it.

Although forgiving may sound like a gesture full of love and compassion, but once the trust is gone, things can never be the same again.

And then, there is always this unknown fear that he might make the same mistake again and have a one-night stand. And every time your partner will step out alone, you would think, ‘What must he be doing right now? Who is he with?’ Such doubts may crush your relationship. And it might even become a burden for both the partners – with one constantly doubting the other and the other always trying either to prove himself innocent or trying to hide his wrong deeds. A crack in a glass can never be joined, the glass just has to be changed.


If my wife gets to read this, I’ll have a one-night stand – with me standing outside the house for nights together. But, jokes apart, it all depends on the situation and how well the spouse understands it. After all, to err is human.

People having one-nights stand is not an alien thing – it’s been happening from time immemorial and could even continue to happen. Often, people end up becoming victims of situations that are a result of the circumstances that build around you at a given point of time.

It’s like anger. You don’t have to be a hyper individual but sometimes, depending on the situation, you can get into a rage. Some people have been known to kill in a fit of rage. Likewise, our mind reacts to situations that could get out of control.

However, one should not pass a judgment on an individual who’s had a one-night stand. I’ve seen it happen with some friends – both men and women. Films generally show the husband having a one-night stand and the wife eventually forgiving him, not the other way round, but in real-life, I’ve seen the wronged partner – both male and female – forgive the erring spouse. After all, it depends on the relationship you share. And, of course, where there are children to consider.

I guess, once or perhaps even twice, it can be forgiven, but not if you have a habit of going around having one-night stands.

Does online dating end in failure?

Internet dating, which sparks such a rush of emotions between people even before they have met, often ends in disappointment and failure.

According to a new study, the initial spate of replies a person gets on net dating sites makes them seem very popular.

The kind of attention is a lot more “than if they had walked into a bar”, said Matthew Bambling of the Queensland University of Technology, who led the study,

“It gives a feeling of being powerful. The online environment doesn't have the conventions and context of a real life meeting and so online interactions can have a bigger impact on a person,” Bambling noted.

He said this lack of inhibition that online interactions allow means some people are carried away by their feelings and “don't use their heads as they would in normal social situations when meeting people”.

Bambling said he has seen people in counselling regarding the consequences of making emotional investments in people they had been emailing after meeting them on line.

“They often become quickly emotionally involved and invest in the other person before meeting. After meeting they move too fast because an emotional relationship actually started when they began interacting online before meeting, in which time they build up a fantasy view of the other person,” he said.

“When they do meet, often the other person is not always what they had imagined but if they are already emotionally invested they go out anyway. They can end up wasting a lot of time trying to make it work.”

Bambling said to avoid pitfalls in online dating people should arrange to meet up after the first few e-mails. This helps to avoid over-investing emotionally or building up a fantasy about the other person.

“The main thing to remember is to make real-life contact as soon as possible if you are interested in someone because it is here that you will know if a relationship is a possibility.”

Is she not warming up to you??

Your rush hour ends when...you reach home
You’ve rushed home, traveling in the packed metro, rush through dinner to rush between the sheets. You do not even bother to switch on the bedside lights, hurriedly talk dirty and start angling in the dark. You are in such a rush that you do not even realize that she is not ready yet. Have you forgotten the most important rule you learnt when you set out in the first place — that women take time to warm up and cool down. Let’s face it; she still has morsels of the caramel custard you had for dessert clinging to her lower lip. Rather than use that to further the play of love, you are going for the kill right away. If you do not stop in your tracks now, she will be put off sex (with you) for a long time.

You’re not acting in a porn film
Porn sites, even the classic Kamasutra, can teach you a lot. But it’s impossible to master all those painful contortions. Sexologists will tell you that while sex can be flirtatious and meaningless even among committed people, the best moments are those that have some heart.
Dude, ensure that she is comfortable and do not treat her like a porn star. There are two off shoots of this: either she will be completely repelled by your constant requests or may actually turn into wild cat in the bedroom.

Can you handle either?And where did all that gentleness go?
You are a gentleman. She loved that about you right at the beginning. That’s what drew her to you. She loves the fact that you are a conscientious lover; gentle all the way. But (and this might confuse you, as we have just told you that gentleness does take a man a long way in a relationship) women do like it when a man takes charge. Your courtly love is not getting you far. You have made her feel safe and secure with all your genteelness, but c’mon, be a man. Mix up that gentle-lover attitude with some Tarzan-tactics. Arrive at a middle ground to get anywhere close to her heart.

Remember Chandler from Friends?
This is straight off Friends. And is relevant to many men who are a few years into a relationship. In one of the episodes, Joey remarks what a lazy lover Chandler is after he and Monica emerge from a round in the bedroom. Joey can tell what a lazy lover his friend is, by the way his hair is plastered flat at the back of his head. Lesson number four for you. Guys, there can be nothing more annoying than being with a non-active lover. Whatever happened to caressing and petting through the act? Or would you rather that she cuddle up with the pillow. Let it be known, many women find that very comforting. The pillow does not talk garbage not does it cavort clumsily around the four-poster.

Finally, where’s the innovation, dude?
When was the last time you were inventive? For most women, sex is not so much about the act as it is about the anticipation. Put on some music, read to her, draw a warm bath and light up some aroma candles as a welcome back home from work surprise, or have dinner ready; basically create an atmosphere of romance. Most men dismiss this as being overly girly and a dent to their machismo. Let it be known, most women find a hint of the artistic in men very flattering. And then of course, sex.

What effect does a bikini have on men?

if you want to make your man spend a little more money, all you need to do is strut about in a bikini or other sexy outfits, as such things make men extremely impulsive when it comes to taking decisions either related to money or diet.

Lead researcher Bram Van Den Bergh of Katholieke Universiteit Leuven in Belgium found that the desire for immediate rewards increased in men who looked at pictures of beautiful women or watched video clips of young women in bikinis.

It wasn’t that men were simply distracted by their sexual arousal, which caused them to choose more impulsively. On the other hand, they showed improved cognition and creativity after exposure to sexy stimuli.

From the study findings, researchers concluded that there is one common appetite system in the brain monitoring our desire for a host of pleasures from sweets to pretty faces, alcohol to lotto winnings.

When it is stimulated by a sexy picture or the smell of baked goods, we experience a general craving for anything pleasant. “Basically, you just want to be rewarded,” a magazine quoted Barbara Briers, a researcher at HEC Paris School, as saying. Van Den Bergh and colleagues rendered the bikini-effect powerless by satiating the stirred appetite with a different type of reward – financial security. A sense of personal wealth depends largely on what we perceive to be the standard. The researchers manipulated this perception to make male subjects feel relatively rich or relatively poor.

When a questionnaire suggested the average income in society was very small, smaller than most of the subjects’ incomes, the men felt rich in comparison. On the other hand, when the average income was implied to be very large, most of the men began looking at their own earnings as piddling. When the men felt well-off, the bikinis lost their influence.

However, if they considered themselves among the have-nots, they were likely to seek gratification after seeing women running in bikinis. Briers hypothesized, unfulfilled sexual arousal could trigger a subconscious belief that one’s reproductive status is at stake.

Van Den Bergh said that the bikini effect does vary in strength from person to person. While most men are vulnerable to subtle types of stimuli, like sexy ads and touching lingerie, others may need to see a woman nude before feeling impulsive. No matter, Van Den Bergh warned, ‘being exposed to a sexy girl may influence what stock you invest in or what candy bar you buy.’

Once in a Lifetime, "Will you marry me??"

Your relationship has now reached the happy stage where you want to give it a definite seal of permanence.

You want to propose to her and ask her that ‘Will you marry me?’ question, but are wondering how to go about it. Here’s what you can do:

Dad’s permission : For starters, you need to be respectful of your partner’s culture and traditions. Though many may not really agree with this, it always gives a good, respectful feeling to her dad – and to her too, eventually – if you first ask for her father’s permission and approval before you finally pop the question to her.

Be creative : Since this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, it’s always a good idea to make this moment an unforgettable one for her. So, start by setting the scene. The choice of where to propose depends on the person you want to marry. It could perhaps be a place that holds a special meaning for both of you – maybe where you first met. Or it could be someplace exotic, romantic or exciting. Choose a breathtaking backdrop with romantic music, good food, champagne... All this has to be planned in advance. To add a romantic, mushy touch, a candle-lit dinner is the best option. Get the musicians to play some of her favorite tunes and then pop the question.

Have fun : Give yourself time to get ready, and don’t forget the ring. Don’t be nervous, look her in the eye, and enjoy the moment as you go along. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and feeling good about each other. Remember, the proposal story will be told over and over again.

Speak straight from the heart : Don’t worry too much about sounding clumsy or awkward, as long as you are speaking from the heart. Remember, you partner would be nervous too and will understand your feelings, and perhaps be enjoying it as well.

An unforgettable moment : How about getting a friend to capture the moment – the smile on your partner’s face and the tears of joy – from a distance, of course. This is a once-in-a-lifetime event that you’ll want to treasure forever. Your partner will thank you for it, after all, who doesn’t like memories of such golden moments captured for posterity?

Take off : If your partner loves the outdoors, take her to a nice romantic place. There, against the backdrop of some scenic surroundings, you can pop the question when she’s least expecting it. She’ll love you for it. Seal it with a bottle of champagne.

Building bonds of love!

To sustain a human relationship requires a lot of effort on the part of both the partners involved. And to counteract the tendency for your love relationship to fall apart you need to work towards it. Here’s how you can do it:

Be intimate psychologically by sharing your innermost experiences and deepest feelings with the person you love. Talk everyday about your impressions of the people and events you encounter, reveal your most important goals in life, share your reactions to the triumphs and failures you experience.

Maintain physical intimacy. Express your feelings of love. You could hug and kiss in private and hold hands in public.

Talk and discuss each day about your ‘other lives’ that includes your work, your families, your hobbies, and any other areas of life you may not always experience together.

Have a sense of humour. Make each other laugh especially in a mature relationship where you may have forgotten the importance of being funny.

Try to express love in ways your partner considers important. Some need to see proof of love (for example, gifts or things you do); some need to hear proof of love (for example saying “I love you” or giving compliments); some need to feel the proof of love (for example, through hugs and kisses). Explain to your partner which of these expressions you consider important to feel loved.

Both of you should make a list of things the other can do to reinforce the feeling of being cared for. Do at least one thing on your lover’s list every day.

View the flaws you see in your lover as coal that hasn’t yet turned into diamond. Don’t plan or hope to change a thing. If you can’t accept that “what you see is what is what you get”, leave the relationship before it’s too late.

Are you a FREEMALE???

A new breed of women care about money and themselves, not men. The Freemales -- are unmarried, childless. They want to spend time and money as they desire. They aren’t looking for love.
They think relationships are increasingly irrelevant, emotionally high risk, and a lot of hard work. Welcome to the world of alpha woman, who is freedom-loving, career-driven, independent individual and commitment phobic.

Today, a majority of women in their mid to late 20s believe that ‘landing a husband’ is not their focus anymore. Blame it on previous failed relationships, career or absence of perfect men, the newage women are trying to push off nuptials as long as possible. Model Ramneek Pantal feels, “As you grow older, you become more inflexible. You get used to a particular lifestyle and it becomes tougher to fit somebody else into the frame.

However, I think life is not only about making millions. You obviously need somebody to share your successes with. Trust me it makes life more interesting.” The standard bearers among this new breed include Kylie Minogue, 40, Cameron Diaz, 35 - and, of course, the ladies of Sex and the City. Model Aman Wahi says, “Many women today choose their career over marital bliss. Earlier women used to be more marriage oriented; however, the scene is completely different now. Modern woman believes in experimenting and enjoying life.” New-age women are very demanding. Leena Ghosh, media person says, “My friends are scared of tying the knot. They might have different reasons but everyone suffers from the same phobia. One of them who has dated nearly ten guys, still hasn’t found Mr Right.”

But there are women who inspite of being in steady relationship, find it too difficult to commit for marriage. Fear of losing freedom, identity or a thriving career is not the only reason that results into commitment phobia. Suresh Raina, an investment banker met Neerja almost three years back. Both of them work in the same organization. Everybody around them thought that they will have a great life together, except the lady herself. “I realised my girlfriend didn’t want marriage because she had childhood phobia about relationship. Hence, she was carefree. She was happy shopping and spending time with her friends,” says Suresh.
So, why are girls enjoying their freemale status? Psychiatrist Dr Steve reede elaborates, “Women enjoy carefree life. If they’ve seen their parents unhappy, then they don’t want to compromise on their comfort.” Michelle presky, a PR executive says, “The option of a live-in is always more enticing.”

Does that mean marriage is not really a lucrative deal? Model Gauhar Khan says, “Getting married does not mean you lose your identity or freedom. Though staying single is a completely personal choice And a fun one.”

KNOW YOU'RE A FREEMALE WHEN...

The idea of getting married puts you in a cold sweat.
You go to bed in a facemask and socks.
Your impressive collection of newly bought shoes is not hidden away at the back of the wardrobe.
You buy your own jewellery.
you haven't lost touch with all your friends.
you're not waiting for Mr Right - or even Mr Right Now.