Internet dating, which sparks such a rush of emotions between people even before they have met, often ends in disappointment and failure.
According to a new study, the initial spate of replies a person gets on net dating sites makes them seem very popular.
The kind of attention is a lot more “than if they had walked into a bar”, said Matthew Bambling of the Queensland University of Technology, who led the study,
“It gives a feeling of being powerful. The online environment doesn't have the conventions and context of a real life meeting and so online interactions can have a bigger impact on a person,” Bambling noted.
He said this lack of inhibition that online interactions allow means some people are carried away by their feelings and “don't use their heads as they would in normal social situations when meeting people”.
Bambling said he has seen people in counselling regarding the consequences of making emotional investments in people they had been emailing after meeting them on line.
“They often become quickly emotionally involved and invest in the other person before meeting. After meeting they move too fast because an emotional relationship actually started when they began interacting online before meeting, in which time they build up a fantasy view of the other person,” he said.
“When they do meet, often the other person is not always what they had imagined but if they are already emotionally invested they go out anyway. They can end up wasting a lot of time trying to make it work.”
Bambling said to avoid pitfalls in online dating people should arrange to meet up after the first few e-mails. This helps to avoid over-investing emotionally or building up a fantasy about the other person.
“The main thing to remember is to make real-life contact as soon as possible if you are interested in someone because it is here that you will know if a relationship is a possibility.”
2 comments:
That sums it up pretty well. Online dating is a valuable tool that opens us up to to a lot of people we wouldn't otherwise meet. But we have to always keep in mind that online dating is a means to an end, the end being real world relationships. And until you bring it into to real world, it's best not to make any assumptions about what a relationship will be like.
I agree and characterize it as multiple personas: email, phone, and in-person. Some people give good phone and love the anonymity, while I will deal with the obligatory single email then push for a phone call and then suggest checking the chemistry in-person to avoid getting in too deep. I recently met a great gal through Sparkbliss[dot]com where this sequence was expedited quite well because the romantic introduction was brokered by a trusted friend who knew what I was looking for and matched me with someone of shared values, background, and interests. Regarding the speed issue, I can only tell you how I deal with it and that is because I too have suffered from the "fantasy" effect where you see what you want to see and things move way too fast. I am constantly auditing myself and the ultimate litmus test is just asking myself how this person makes me feel when I am with them. It sounds too simple, but it is rather profound. Far too often we hang out with people that are toxic and we just never ask ourselves why?
Post a Comment